Bin Men Are World Class At Being Shit

These tossers really give me the 'ump.

They are employed to remove shit from my bin and nothing more than that but they have managed to turn themselves into arrogant bin police who decide what they will collect and when the will collect it.

They are also very adept at fucking up the whole traffic system for a complete city by slowly manoevering their lorry from bin to bin, down a street, without letting any fucker pass them no matter what.

Some gormless cretin in local government gave them an array of stickers to use which was a bad move. It probably cost £500,000 to train the twats how to fill out these stickers and now they leave them everywhere.

"REFUSED", "OVERLOADED", WRONG WASTE CONTENTS", EXCESSIVE........".

Just take the rubbish you lazy twats and stop whining and moaning about having to do your job.

........oh, and if you could learn some manners when using the roads too that would be a bonus.

Talking of bonuses......stop asking for a Xmas box you arrogant, lazy, useless arsewipes.

Beer That Is Less Than 9% Alcohol By Volume Is Shit

Why do we drink? To get assholed, simple as. Anyone who says they like the taste of beer is full of shit. Anyone who says they do it to be social is full of shit.

Beer tastes shite if we're all honest. But it does have the effect of making us feel like everything is great and that we don't give a rat's ass about anything.

So any beer that gets us there in double quick time has got to be the best.

I recommend Carlsberg Special Brew. At 9.0% this stuff can blow your tits off even before you finish the first can. However, I do recommend capping your consumption of this lager to 4 cans or it might impair your performance when you give the wife/girlfriend/vicar/boyfriend/goat/sheep a good servicing.

Kestrel Super Lager is another cheeky little vintage that can bend your mind with very little effort. This also weighs in at a hefty 9.0% and also has the added bonus of actually tasting quite nice. Again, 4 cans max or you wont be able to get it up.

Anyone consuming piss water of less than 9.0% strength should have 'POOF' tattooed across their forehead and should be forced to ring a bell as they walk along the streets to warn us that a lightweight beer drinker is in the vicinity.

Einstein And Socrates - Geniuses But Shit All The Same

Einstein is one of the biggest tossers in history.

All he ever did was think. He sat there thinking non-stop for so many years, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, fuuuuuuuuuuuuucking think!!!! And the bastard got paid for it too.

E=MC^2.........

What in the name of all that is holy was this dopey twat thinking about to come up with that shite?

When I think, I have images of next door's daughter (who IS over 18ish by the way) and my mates wife in suspenders coursing through my mind. Einstein thought about nothing but shit equations and falling apples.

Add to that the fact this Austrian nutter had one of the dodgiest hair styles ever seen on this planet and he definitely qualifies as being shit. No matter how clever he is.......he's shit.

Socrates was an even bigger cunt. His full time job was thinking and he came up with fuck all! A whole lifetime of thinking and he came up with zilch, nacht, shite, absolutely fuck all the useless Greek shithouse.

Socrates considered himself such a great thinker to the extent that he never even bothered to write down the shite he came up with.

So all we have to rely on, with regard to any shit Socrates managed to come up with is the writings of his scholars such as Plato; however, works by Xenophon, Aristotle, and Aristophanes also provide important insights. Thank God these students of his managed to make a few notes.

Ignore all that though. If Socrates was such a lazy twat that he couldn't even be arsed to write down his thoughts then he goes down in history as being shit.

A shit philosopher and a shit writer and I'd like to add, a lazy tosser.

Taxi Drivers Used To Be Great - But Have Now Become Really Shit

There was a time when your taxi would arrive outside your house, the driver would get out and knock your door. He'd then carry your bags if you had any, and load them in the car for you.

At your destination he'd hop out and unload them for you.

If you were a young lady, he would also drop you off at night time and wait until you were safely in the house before driving off.

The useless, lazy, noisy twats have since gone downhill a bit now.

They pull up outside your house and blast their horns several times as if rounding up cattle. They watch you struggle with your bags and then reluctantly haul their fat fucking arses out of the car to open the boot for you to load them in the back.

When they drop you off at night, even if you are a vulnerable lady, they can't wait to fuck off and grab their next fare. Greedy twats.

Shit service, shit attitudes, shit cars.

That's what happens when you allow Johnny Foreigner to flood the market with half wit drivers!!

They can't speak English, they don't know ANY streets in your town and chances are they are unlicensed, uninsured and uninterested in your welfare. They want the money and bollocks to you or any other passenger they may be lucky enough to rip off.

Liverpool Are Quite Shit......In Fact They Are Shockingly Shit

They never used to be shit.  In fact, in the late 70s and early 80s they were extremely un-shit. So un-shit in fact they stopped my beloved Manchester United winning anything but a couple of FA Cups the bastards. Then things turned to shit and they've been shit ever since.

They did have an un-shit year in 2005 when they got so lucky in Istanbul it's unreal and they won the Champions League.


But that aside, it's been 20 non-stop years of pure and unadulterated shit, and I love it.

Liberal Democrat MPs Are Pretty Shit

A bigger bunch of useless, lying twats you couldn't wish to meet.

The last time these dipsticks were in power was about 96 years ago at a guess (I can't be arsed looking it up just as they can't be arsed telling the truth).

Why 96 years? Because they are shite at what they do, simple as.

Even the names of their members (members being the operative word) is shit.

When your leader has the name of Nick fucking Clegg it's time to give up.

Young Nick has no chance whatsoever of being any use to anyone, EVER. Purely and simply because he has a shit name.

MPs of various political parties have had marvellous names in the past.  Neville Chamberlain, Winston Churchill, great names. Lloyd George, Margaret Thatcher (Maggie!!), tremendous stuff. Even David Cameron and Anthony Blair have a certain 'je ne sais quoi' about them.

How can we take someone seriously when they have a name like Cleggy. More importantly, how can we take him seriously when he says he will never support tuition fees and then bends over while Cameron tells him what he will really do!

Clegg, you're a useless little cretin who wimps out whenever Cameron shouts.  You stated your parties promises in your manifesto and have now backed out of ALL of them.  I suggest one might like to consider a long, one way journey, to somewhere where we wont hear your whining voice ever again!

Insects Are Inexplicably Shit

What is the point of any insect?

I'll tell you what pisses me off about the little bastards.  The noises they make are just so annoying in themselves.  They buzz, click, whirr, whine god only knows what else.  That in itself gets me going. 

Then you look at them and they are ugly mother fuckers.  Horrible scary colours, big beady eyes, spindly legs and hairy and other such shit.

They bite, burn, sting and poison you too. 

For some bizarre reason, the little bastards also seem to single me out for a bit of punishment.

I can be lying on a beach with 20,000 other people and the wasps must see me from afar.  They come and land on me EVERY time.  But they don't just buzz along and settle gently on me.  Oh no, fuck that, they line their asses up with me from 2000 feet and dive right at me with their stinger out and bury the fucking thing right into me, up to the hilt as it were.

I always spin round and I'm sure I can see the little twat's face with a 'fuck you fat boy' kind of look in their eyes.

Just the other day I had some horrendous looking insect which was buzzing around my bedroom.  I thought 'oh fuck, here we go again'.  I decided to use full force on the little shit from the off.  I gave it a full on backhander with an Enid Blyton hardback and the little he went flying off among some boxes I have stored for sending off eBay packages.

Take that ya little ****.

5am comes around and FUUUUUUUCCCCKKKKKKK!!  The little insect must have come round and decided to dish out some revenge.  I got stung to the leg and it fucking hurt too. 

As of now, it is a stand off between me and that little tosser.  Mainly due to the fact I can't find the git, but when I do I'm going to sellotape it's wings to the window and torture the little fuck wit.

I think we might do worse than look at plans for killing ALL insects.  Get rid of the little assholes and their shitty attitudes towards us.  We are the master race and as soon as the wasps and all other creepy crawlies realise this, the world will be a better place.